one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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