Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
