Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
