Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
