Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
