Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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