My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
