why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
