i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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