I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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