I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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