you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
