the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
