shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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