Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it's like iHOP with fire
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
