I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
