Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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