So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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