My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
