I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
