This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
