I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
