You just made me feel so damn special
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
