I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
