Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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