I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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