How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
