Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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