so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
