i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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