i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
