Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
