Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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