using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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