So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
