When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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