Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
