I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
