Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
