If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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