Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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