If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
