youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
