wrigley field is MILF paradise
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
