The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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