I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
