Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
