Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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