Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
