We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
