I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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