I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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