wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
