I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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