he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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