If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
